Episolaries: Letters From The People I Could Have Become

i. I should have waited for magic. I don’t think I really believed in it, so if it ever had been there, I would have been blind to it. Once you’ve realised how much you’ve passed by, there’s no going back- not just to ...

ii. I would like to demonstrate my relationship with time: it blows past me, like some uninvited house guest whose comings and goings I am constantly missing.

iii. Not home, house, I don’t have a home. I used to want one but now I’m not so sure. Not everyone deserves a home.

iv. I make a game of fear. I take it too far. I am afraid to ask what you make of it, even more afraid to wonder why. If I were to be able to pinpoint a time or place in my past at which it started, I would not be able to play anymore. Everything depends on being a player.

v. Look at me and I know what you’ll see- violent-eyed, cocked chin. I’m the kind of presence you would shrink away from. You’d still be painfully trusting, you’d still give yourself away, but I’d want none of what you got from all of this. You might see the black and blue, the damage, but that’s only if you get past the ivory tower.

vi. The phonetics of grief. Rampant rule-bender. Habitually unkempt. Habitually rebellious. Habitually wrong. I’ve been shut in so many boxes, years ago I learnt to hold my breath for years at a time. Walls are just views of mountains or skylines, depending on how you look at them.

vii. They bickered awhile, chaos in the fading light. A few umbrellas opened indoors.

viii. You must be able to hear it too, as the moon spins, baring its teeth. I have used myself and regret only follows. You are not somebody’s old coat to throw about as they please. Waiting for your backbone to pick you up- it will not arrive. Waiting for magic- I can’t tell you what to do, because perhaps believing in magic is a better way to go- but that never arrived either. The waiting place- you know of it- I don’t want you to find yourself there.

ix. This is freedom. It will be worth it if you learn patience.

x. Years and years, canvases side to side. Do not leave them as they are, please. You could do worse, but you could do so much better.