I want to tell all in my family that I am stuck in a quicksand
of grief, of growing, of growing into something
you never wanted for me,
these unfulfilled dreams --
and the cassette tape thats plays underneath my pillow
will be unspooled, and burnt - the words deserve it.
I want to tell all in my family that I have a mask, a second skin
and it will not be pried off, with roots so deep --
memories drill into the earth so
dredge them up, more take their place.
I want to tell all in my family that guilt has long been my keeper
secrets, rationalisations,excuses, manipulations,
but there are no escape routes now
and she is water-boarded with regret.
I want to tell all in my family that I have learnt my lessons
and I may always labour when it comes to love
and even though I’ve every reason not to
I believe there is so much love in the world.
As a daughter, sister, granddaughter niece, surrogate father and brother--
It is like you built your worlds around me.
This is my gratitude, my apology, my repentance, my amends and my remorse.
It is also my love, which I do not deserve but will make myself worthy.