I think if I were a fictional character, or if there was one character I most resemble in my disposition, there wouldn't be a specific individual but a specific combination of three or four. None of whom I am considering in terms of their best features, but it is more their flaws that make them sort of fictional representations of parts of myself, that I can relate to.
Firstly, there's Neely O'Hara, a precocious 17 year old with talent who recklessly throws herself into an addiction to all kinds of pills in order achieve the greatness she feels she wants and her promising career is destroyed by her drive which is both self-destructive and stubborn. Then there is Lux Lisbon who is kept largely a mystery to the reader/film-watcher of the Virgin Suicides, but it seems that she feels trapped and rebels against the structure imposed upon her. She has sexual encounters that feel empty to her and seems to neglect herself, and in the film she loses her virginity to someone who she knows finds her attractive, who then leaves her immediately afterwards, which is probably something that contributes to her participation in the mass suicide commited by her and her sisters. Then there is Astrid from White Oleander, whose personality is so pliable she becomes a mirror of whoever is around her, or else she protects herself by adapting her appearance to get the reaction she wants, but before she knows what she wants, she asks other people what she is like so she can have an identity for herself. She copies how others behave and talk and in the book she describes herself as having a face that says, 'I'll do anything, just please love me.' Finally, there is Blanche Dubois. I think I was a lot more like her before the bubble burst and the delusions became clear as delusions. She is quite stuck in her bubble, but I think the way Tennessee Williams describes her as being 'uncertain' in her manner, having movement that 'suggests a moth', and the ways in which she is incredibly needy of attention but only the kind of attention that she wants and is in control of, is something I feel is echoed in me, and again, this is another not-so-positive attribute. Then again if asked what my good qualities are I would find it hard to come by them. My mother was always afraid of me embarrassing myself (or being embarrassed by me) as I was growing up so I was never told I was especially good at anything until I'd really proved it. I suppose that way I'd never turn out to be one of those people who humiliates themselves on X factor thinking they can sing but they can't. And it stopped me from becoming complacent or deluded about possessing talents or positive qualities that weren't actual or obvious to anyone else. But it also prevented me from being able to make claims that I have any to this day. Not that it's my mother's fault. They do fuck you up, but you fuck them up too, and you'll fuck it all up completely if you go about being bitter and blaming parents, the world, extraneous influences etc. for fucking with you because you'll end up cynical and bitter and one of those people others feel sorry for. So I'm glad my mother never gave me false hopes, because I know now any hopes I do have are ones I've earned my own right to possess. I won't ever think I'm great at anything because I'm not, and I won't ever be able to write a good cover letter or big myself up, but I'll be able to get the certificate to prove I'm as good as I need to be, and I won't go around pointing fingers at whomever for making me whatever it is I turn out to be. So maybe that's how I'm different than all these characters. And the way in which I'm better: I'm real, obviously.
